I have seen it all

OK wtf???!!

I am on craigslist looking for jobs (and apts), which is a part-time job in itself. And I found this in the "etc" section:

************
NEED AN ONLINE DATING PERSONAL ASSISTANT

Date: 2006-10-30, 5:09AM PST
I'm seeking an individualo to work about 12 hours/wk primarily from home w/ flexible hours at $10/hr to manage my online dating accounts, send out emails, reply to emails, etc. this is steady ongoing work with cash pay.

Prefer mid 20's to 30's man or woman with significant experience dating online. Email us your resume with a brief cover letter describing extent of knowledge of teh various popular dating websites.

Preferred also: College degree

Compensation: $10/hr, Performance-based bonus.
************

holy crap people! is he serious? this has to be a joke. First of all, if he needs someone to help him manage ALL his online dating accounts, then he must be dating a million women, which makes him a dummyhead. And if he doesn't even have the TIME to send his own emails and use the online service, then how does he have the time to date in the first place?? And i love that he prefers someone with a college degree. oh wait, you know what i just realized? that i only assumed this was a MAN who posted this ad! HA!

WOW

~quernzy =)

The Coolest Podcast Ever

Check out Scott Allen Perry's Video Podcast From Hell. Now up and running. You will see a little preview of "Quernzy's Corner", which will be in future episodes.
Luvs, Valerie

********

SAPISODE 1 - "I'll Fix It In Post"
BLOG CLIP - How To Chug A Beer Like An Outdoorsman
SAPVP FROM HELL - THEME SONG

All those goodies await your eyeballs... and a crapload more are on the way.

TO SUBSCRIBE: Open Itunes, go to the Itunes store and search Scott Allen Perry. Or click the link below.

Scott Allen Perry's Video Podcast From Hell
If you dig it, please spread the word, send it to the masses, help me make folks smile. And please please please right a review... only takes a minute or two.

An Adventure with Pee Wee Herman

This past saturday nite... out with some team members of the LA chapter of the All-Star Drinking Team. We uncorked some wine with a bunch of dead people at the Hollywood Forever Cemetery for their saturday nite movie screening. Pee Wee's Big Adventure. woohoo!

Well, our movie experience, already being supercool watching a superfun movie with a huge group of drunk people, became extra special when Paul Reubens and the Cast showed up!!! Elizabeth Daily (Dottie), Diane Salinger (Simone), Mark Holton (Francis) and a few others.

Pee Wee Herman: "There's things about me you don't know, Dottie. Things you wouldn't understand. Things you couldn't understand. Things you shouldn't understand."

Dottie: "I don't understand."

Pee Wee Herman: "You don't want to get mixed up with a guy like me. I'm a loner, Dottie. A rebel."

The Pillow of Life

(Or Some Things You Can Learn from a 3-Year Old)

Why does life have to be so hard??

Life should be one big pillow. We could walk on pillows, jump on pillows, sleep on big pillows, have lots of sex on pillows, eat on pillows (dude, the japanese do it!).

Are you mad at someone? Throw a pillow at them! Life is so much better with pillows. If you get bored with your pillow floor, get a new pillowcase. Down, cotton, feathers, whatever man.

I just want to work hard and play hard, but if (when) I fall, I want it to be on a pillow.

ASDT News

Furthering the cause of the All-Star Drinking Team, I have just finished my training for a new promo company for liquor promotions! My "work" will be a couple hours at a bar handing out samples and fun t-shirts, glow sticks and other fun stuff. This "work" also includes getting people drunk. I will soon spread All-Star Drinking Team values all over LA! This promo company has some major accounts and we got to sample some of them.

Tattoo rum, which a very dark, spicy rum - great as a shot. Kinda tastes like cough syrup, but it is so warm going down.

And Jose Cuervo has 3 flavored tequilas - citrus, orange and another fruity-type flavor. The citrus is amazingly delicious. It tastes like a VERY strong margarita. No margarita mix needed!

Also, we work events for Captain Morgan's, with the CAPTAIN himself in attendance! Very excited. The costume is hot. How can they call this "work"?

I will keep you updated on liquor developments....

Life of a Movie Star

Gloria Swanson
A history lesson by Quernzy on this very cool lady...

Born in 1899, started working in silent films when she was 15! Eventually cast in Cecil B. DeMille pictures, which brought her to superstar status. A ton of movies at Paramount Studios. Starring with Rudolph Valentino, going through husbands along the way. (she's up to 3 by now.) She even dated Joe Kennedy (John F. Kennedy's father).

So late 1920's, she decides to get away from the contracts at Paramount and produces her own film. But her next few were unsuccessful and she goes into semi-retirement.

In 1928, Swanson, teamed with Erich Von Stroheim for "Queen Kelly", a project that would never be completed. Erich Von Stroheim's meticulous attention to detail and endless retakes put the production way behind schedule and Swanson herself finally halted the production. Decades later, the unfinished film was botched together with production stills and photographs and declared a masterpiece by film critics.

She attempts one comeback in 1941. But her major comeback was Sunset Boulevard with DeMille in 1950. it's heralded as the most memorable comeback in film history. Even so, her next few projects were only mildly successful. But she still appeared in a couple films and television through the 1970's.

Now granted, she would take a hiatus for years at a time, but her film career spanned 60 years! Her filmography totals 52 movies. These days, that's not a lot, but she was also a clothing designer, artist, and she founded Essence of Nature Cosmetics. Last count of 7 husbands. She survived the Talkies, was one classy lady and also one of the greatest divas of her time.

A few quotes of hers that I enjoy:

"I have gone through a long apprenticeship. I have gone through enough of being a nobody. I have decided that when I am a star, I will be every inch and every moment the star! Everybody from the studio gateman to the highest executive will know it."-Swanson in 1922.

-Telegram sent to Hollywood from Swanson on her way home from France.
"Arriving with the Marquis tomorrow morning. Stop. Please arrange ovation."

"I always look ahead. I never regret. I have excitement every waking minute."

"I can smell the character of a woman the instant she enters a room, but I have the world's worst judgment of men."

Quotes from "Sunset Boulevard" - of course I have to include these, it's one of my favorite movies (and fav Broadway show, for that matter)

"I am big, it's the pictures that got small."
-Norma (Swanson) to Joe (Holden)

"We didn't need dialogue. We had faces. There just aren't any faces like that anymore. Maybe one. Garbo."
-Norma to Joe

Quernzy Rant about 'The Bachelor'

Ranting away.....

the bachelor.

I'm sorry, but i have never watched a full episode. i can't stand the show. i think it's ridiculous. but now there's the news that they broke up already!!!! what the hell? And it's the lamest story i've ever heard. "the show that brought us together has split us apart...." blah blah.

I'm so disappointed. they obviously didn't try very hard. they went through all this drama and competition and tv cameras and frickin' PARIS, only to break up. I mean, people watch this show to see some wonderful fairytale romance at the end. obviously this show is a bunch of crap (like most reality shows). why do people get into it so much? because people want to see real people going through real drama. well this is just more proof that it's NOT REAL. they turn on the drama for the tv camera. they project some kind of love and romance for the whole world (kinda like Tom and Katie). then the writers edit to create conflict!

And I feel sad for the poor girl who came in second place. First of all, I don't think that situation should ever be put upon ANY girl. I have no idea why she would even want to subject herself to that. To get to know someone, fall in love, get so close to the end, then have her heart broken in a million pieces. all on tv! and then to find out it didn't work out between them. Is she relieved? Or even more upset thinking it would have worked out if he had just picked HER? I just don't think this show sends out a great message. It's not ok for girls to have to compete for a man who is put on a pedestal as "the most perfect single man" and it's not ok for men to think they can have 10 girls all at once and slowly eliminate each one till the "most perfect woman" is left. and vice versa - thanks to the The Bachelorette! But now wait, aren't Trista and Ryan actually still married?? hmmmm

Sloganize

This website is soooooooo fun. And PLEASE comment with your slogan, cuz that's just fun too.

www.thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan.cgi

I Wish They All Could Be Quernzy Girls.
Whatever You're Into, Get Into Valerie.
Let's Face The Music and Foxy V.

Viva Valerie in Vegas....the aftermath

Well it took me a few days to recover (that whole getting-older thing) but I'm good as new and slowly recalling the events from last weekend. The debauchery was just as expected - non-stop and fun as ever and 400 pictures later.....

I did have one friend who made it the whole weekend without sleeping. I didn't quite make it that far, but I did wake up at 7am sunday to meet up with the rest of the all-nighters and go for breakfast at the Paris hotel. Which, by the way, is an amazing buffet, especially at 7am!

Friday night....4 different bars, 2 of which I barely remember and have to look at pictures to recall such events. saturday night we went to Body English, the club at the Hard Rock. Really fun place! And sunday, on the way home, we stopped at the Vegas sign to take pictures.

The drive there and back was not bad, having friends in the car made it more fun. But my car was not too happy making the trip. At one point, I was going 85 mph and the 'check engine' light started blinking. Telling me "Slow down, beeyotch!". So I kept it at 80 and she thanked me by not breaking down or blowing a tire.

One of the best parts - Lisa and I went to the "Guess your Age" booth at Excalibur. Yes, he was dumbfounded when I told him my real age and picked out my prize. Happy Birthday to Me!

A big gi-normous THANK YOU to those who partyed with me.....Lisa, Sara, Mike (#1), Michael (#2), Michael (#3), Steven, Jennifer, Tiffany, Josh, Alison, Mindy, Beth, Zanna. I had a blast and I know everyone else did too. See you in Vegas in a couple months!

Killola Louder, Louder

Quernzy's Review of
KILLOLA
Louder, LOUDER!


Entertain Me.

As a Live band, Killola is ... how can I describe them and do them justice? Grand, Exciting, Incredible ... SPECTACULARIFFIC! They've been referred to as a Rock N Roll Lapdance and you can add my lap to the list of satisfied customers. For those of you out there like myself who are sick of hearing CDs that pale in comparison to the band’s live show or vice versa, rest assured that Louder, LOUDER! does not disappoint. It's short and sweet with rockin' beats and driving guitar riffs. Lisa's voice has a Gwen-ish style, but with more edge and resonance. A lot more. There's a little added dose of punk rock in her pipes that let's you know she means business. Even her screams are musical.

Their sound is so satisfying, filling every melodic sense in your head, and other regions, with a different beat that keeps you moving. I'm in love with Get Around, the tight drum and bass beat on Barrel of Donkeys, and the in-your-face attitude Hollow. Every song is full of conviction and pumping rhythms, slowing down only for a moment (4 minutes, 55 seconds to be exact) in the sweet, soulful It's All Right.

The lyrics to Barrel Of Donkeys best sum it up:

SO TELL YOUR MOTHER, YOUR FATHER, YOUR SISTER, YOUR BROTHER, YOUR COUSIN, YOUR AUNTIE, YOUR BABY DADDY...TELL LOU REED, YOUR BEST FRIEND, WE ROCK YOU TO NO END! AIN'T NO NEED TO PRETEND. WE'RE TAKING BACK, OH YEAH, WE'RE TAKING BACK OUR ROCK N ROLL!

It’s about time somebody took it back. Consider my Rock N Roll conquered.

Louder, LOUDER! is available now at Amoeba Music, and soon at Tower Records.

Quernzy's Last Word: Screaming Goodness

Q-Tunes Cocktail Lounge:
Killola is best served with...

*Dancing in your room naked

*Drunken sex on a Saturday night

*Driving in the car

Current mood: laughing (my ass off)

LMAO

Ok. I just yesterday figured out what "lmao" means! I was seeing it everywhere and wondering what the hell it meant. Yea. Figured it out.

Um, what the heck is the point of writing that? When I'm laughing and typing, i write "Ha". Sometimes "HaHa". And then sometimes with an exclamation mark. Maybe a couple of exclamation marks if I'm laughing my ass off. Same amount of letters. More of a personal reaction I think. Can't you picture me laughing, rather than 'claiming' that I'm "lmao"?

Just a thought.

Makes me wanna sing in a band. hmmmm

Killola Rockin Review

I had my very first Killola experience last night and oh the joy. Lisa, shining in all her birthdayness is gorgeous, with the voice of an angel. An angel in a rock band. And she can scream like no other. I've been practicing her technique at home. I may start dressing like her too. Except she already has a fan who's into that sort of thing. So I will just find the socks then.

Bottom line:
Lisa sings with the heart of ten women, eyes wide open, ass shakin.
Mike plays some hot hot guitar.
Johnny's bass is so, so deep.
And I like how Dan's hair flies around when he's drummin'.

Thank the rock gods that they will be playing at 3 of Clubs for the next 2 thursdays this month. Yes, they have a back room. No, there's no sign on the front door. And it's free. You better go, cuz when the word gets out about my love for Killola, people will be imitating me all over the place.

How to be a Successful Evil Overlord

I didn't write this but I had to post cuz it's frickin hilarious! I especially like ones I bolded below. Ha! Now I have the tools to take over the world muuuwwaahahahah! ~~v


How to be a Successful Evil Overlord
by Peter Anspach

Being an Evil Overlord seems to be a good career choice. It pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own hours. However every Evil Overlord I've read about in books or seen in movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end. I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords, deranged wizards, mad scientists, or alien invaders, they always seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time. With that in mind, allow me to present...

The Top 100 Things I'd Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord

*My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglas visors, not face concealing ones.
*My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
*My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell in my dungeon.
*Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
*The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragon of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the object which is my one weakness.
*I will not gloat over my enemies predicament before killing them.
*When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought, I'll shoot him and then say "No."
*After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out.
*I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled, "Danger: Don Not Push". The big red button marked "Do Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will clearly not be labelled as such.
*I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a small hotel room well outside my border will work just as well.
*I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
*One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.
*All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least several round of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.
*The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.
*I will never employ any device with a digital count-down. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable. I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.
*I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."
*When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.
*I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would prove a fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
*I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own father.
*Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to accordingly.
*I will hire a fashion designer to create original uniforms for my Legion of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make them look like Nazi stormtroopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
*No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
*I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
*I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strength and weaknesses. Even though this takes some fun out of the job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
*No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and virtually inaccessible spot.
*No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is probably someone just as attractive which is not desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
*I will never build only one of anything important. All important systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons at all times.
*My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
*I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into confusion.
*All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly thieves in the land will be preemptively put to death. My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief.
*All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected reinforcements and/or romantic sub-plot for the hero or his side-kick.
*I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to come by.
*I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather will be reserved for formal occasions.
*I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
*I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X.
*I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
*If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legion of Terror is losing a battle, I will believe him... After all, he's my trusted lieutenant.
*If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
*If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite number among his army.
*I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it early and as often as possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
*Once my power is secure, I will destroy all of those pesky time travel devices.
*When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying ropes and filching keys that happens to follow him around.
*I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my plans.
*I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
*I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him and say "And here is the price for failure." then suddenly turn and kill some random underling.
*If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and kill the advisor.
*If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to mature.
*I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
*If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I will not send all of my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper.
*My main computers will have their own special operating system that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh powerbooks.
*If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the conditions of the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer him to a less people oriented position.
*I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
*If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh well" and kill her.
*I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
*The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in my Legion of Terror. However before I send them out on important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention.
*My Legion of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for target practice.
*Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully read the owners manual. *If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
*I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
*My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: This also applies to passwords. *If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad scheme?" I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies them.
*I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight.
*Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And they will be kept hot, with none of this nonsense about flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals.
*I will see a competant psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be disadvantageous.
*If I must have a computer system with publicly available terminals, the maps they display will have a room clearly marked as the Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment.
*My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for fingerprints and then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
*No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale emergency.
*I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
*All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in foster homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures of the wild.
*When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
*If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
*If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon, instead of using my unstoppable super weapon on them.
*I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win.
*When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying on top of my desk.
*I will instruct my Legion of Terror to attack the heroes en masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or two at a time.
*If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth considering.)
*If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot before making the offer.
*I will not tell my Legion of Terror "And he must be taken alive-" the command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably practical."
*If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited edition commemorative coins.
*If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
*If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
*I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerously unbalanced structure.
*If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him.
*I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite sex.
*I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 stones of power on the sacred altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the button."
*I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly grounded.
*My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
*If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to do the task again.
*After I capture the hero's super weapon, I will not disband legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took it from him.
*I will not design my main control room so that every workstation is facing away from the door.
*I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
*If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead, I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.)
*If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and the underling who failed or betrayed me, I will die first.
*When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
*My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cell mate tells the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead of opening the cell for a look.
*My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
*My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled.
*If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will ignore them. However, if circumstances have forced them together against their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving each other's lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will immediately order their execution.
*Any data files of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb.
*Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free, unlimited internet access.

YES! I'm an actor.

Often at parties i find myself defending the fact that i'm an actor. Someone asks "what do you do?" and i tell them. I get the weirdest looks or blank stares. Like, 'you're kidding me, another one?' Yes, i know there are many here. But then i have to endure the lectures: it's a rough business, a lot of competition, have i seen you in anything? blah blah etc etc. Like these people are the first to tell me it's hard! You don't think i know this? Are you giving me some kind of revelation that i will decide, 'oh you're right. I better quit now'.

Most of the time, this stuff comes from people who aren't directly involved with the business and haven't tried it themselves. So then i find myself defending my career choice and trying to prove that i am good enough to make it in my career/life choice. And that i'm strong enough to withstand the pressure. That i am used to the rejection (and use it constructively) and that I actually enjoy this whole thing!!

Seriously, i love all of it. I love auditions. I love theatre. I love learning the business side of this biz. I even love doing student films and extra work! Sure, extra work sucks most of the time, but on days when i have a fabulous time on the set, it only gets me excited for the future when i have speaking roles and my time on a set will be even more fabulous. I've worked on shows where everyone is so nice, and i would think, 'i can't believe that it will actually get better than this'. I love my job, no matter how small the part in a production is.

So when i'm defending my life choices to some stranger who doesn't understand what living a passion is, i do get just a little frustrated. The judgements are made and people feel they need to give me a dose of reality. But then, they are probably saying these things because they subconsciously need to tell themselves the same thing relating to their own life, and find excuses for not being successful with their own passion. I love acting! I am serious about what i'm doing. I know i have only been here in LA for a year and i'm just gaining experience, but i have been acting since i was 13 years old. It's the only thing i want to do. I love everything about it and look forward to learning more. Why am i telling you this? Really, only because i am reassuring myself.